1) What is anger really?
Frustration is energy that is essentially a protest against feeling disconnected. Once we may have grown up unable to restore connection in more productive ways, we holiday resort to anger as our just way to express our displeasure with our situation. Anger is a secondary emotion which is usually covering up fear or sadness. The danger of frustration is that it is so powerful that we can become out of control. The Talmud states that when a person becomes angry, the various agonies of Gehenom (hell) gain a hold of him. An angry person can experience life as a living hell as well as make the lives associated with his/her loved ones miserable.
2) Is it healthy to express it?
The Jewish mystics explain, that although verbal expression is rooted in the realm associated with thought and emotion, when we show these thoughts and feelings through speech, we all actually increase their emotional intensity. Whether or not we are expressing love or conveying anger, the more we put the feelings into words, the more extreme our feelings become. This is why an indicator to quell anger is to remain silent, as when we remain quiet, the intensity dissipates.
3) How do I deal with my frustration?
Ultimately the objective is to transform the feelings of harm that are beneath the anger so that the wish to rage is no longer present. The best way to cope with anger in a relationship is to learn to express one’s feelings in a secure way, both taking ownership rather than blaming, and asking for unmet needs. Instead of raging against your spouse because of not caring about you or designed for committing a wrongdoing against a person, share your hurt and ask designed for what you need.
When we can use our words and settle down, we are also better able to turn out to be conscious and in control of our activities. We can begin to explore why we are feeling angry. When we share with the spouse in a non-combative way exactly how deeply we need to feel loved, it really is hard for them to turn down our ask for. This is the opposite of the response we all provoke when we attack and fault.
4) How do I cope with my spouse’s anger?
Living with an angry spouse can be scary. While ultimately your spouse needs to take personal responsibility for his/her anger, there are things you can do to improve the situation and deescalate conflict. Ethics in our Fathers (4: 18) teaches all of us: ” Do not try to pacify your friend at the time of his anger , nor comfort him while his dead lies before him. ” Such an effort will be in vain just because a person will not accept an apology in the heat of anger.
If your spouse is upset together with you, apologizing in the moment will not usually work. The best way is to reflect back their particular feelings and validate them with no explanation on your part of why you do what you did. A person in the heat associated with emotion is consumed with them selves and their feelings. They are not interested in hearing what the other has to state, they are fully focused on themselves. By validating them you are giving them space to feel what they are feeling. Attempt validating and see how it works. Simply say to them: “What you’re stating makes sense and you make sense. ” As soon as things are calm you can always apologize and explain your intentions.
Another helpful way to cope with your spouse’s anger is to try to imagine that your spouse is in pain and also have compassion for him/her. While this might be difficult if you feel like you are being bombarded, it will help you be able to experience your companion in a whole new light. Instead of judging your spouse you will be able to approach him/her more lovingly and understand the reason for the anger. If you are able to do that, you will feel less threatened and your spouse’s anger will abate faster.
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